[For those who don’t actually know me on a personal level, my sweetheart has had serious health issues over the past 3 weeks. God placed HIS healing hand upon him, so hoping I can now refocus on writing again.]
I have been living in Limbo.
It has been a rather painful experience, to be honest. By “Living in Limbo”, I mean that I have been trying so hard to please the people I knew PDC (Pre Divorce & Christ) & the people of ADC (After Divorce & Christ).
Once Upon A Time
The people of my past all have known me as the preacher’s daughter or as Someone’s Wife/mom. I spent a lot of time in my life shielding people from who & what I really was. I hid behind the roles I was suppose to play as a preacher’s daughter. It was easy to do – so many people in this small town know my dad or at least know of him. I also hid behind the roll as my Ex’s Wife: His family was larger than life itself. There was a certain “quota” I was expected to meet, & I lost myself in that for so many years. Never telling anyone about the problems. Being married to him meant we were suppose to be the perfect couple – though we were anything but. Over & over again, I found myself becoming inbittered by the masks I wore. The marriage ended shortly after I miscarried our daughter.
With that moment, came a lot of disappointment from people. After all, the preacher’s daughter isn’t suppose to get divorced. If Only I prayed more. If only I did this or tried that or I served him more…. I heard so many reasons. I won’t try to rationalize my divorce with you. The point is that I was made to feel like I owed it to people to act a certain way or do certain things after the divorce. I found myself being pulled to keep all these people happy just so I wouldn’t lose them from my life.
New (Great) Expectations
I came to Christ. Last January, I began to attend a new church – one that taught grace. These new people began to only see the me that was being healed/transformed by Christ. Somehow in the midst of that, though, I stopped being authentic. I had to “be” this awesome person that people could love. But in part – it wasn’t really me they were loving. I was jumping through so many hoops to keep these new people in my life, too.
Leaving the Limbo World
It took a church service on Christmas Day to help me to realize something was wrong. I was depressed, feeling like I was being pulled into a billion pieces all at once & found for the first time since I truly came to experience Christ that I could no longer worship with a joyful heart. What was up? I realized what it was when I began to evaluate myself in God’s Word, but also in evaluating what I love most about other people: authenticity.
Our society teaches us “why don’t you be like so & so” or what we are or are not suppose to be doing. Church people treat struggles with depression, money struggles, miscarriages, and divorce as if they are unpardonable sin. However, life is simply messy. If we live it, we will get dirty. We won’t be white glove wearing china dolls. We will be dirty, at times broken, but that doesn’t mean we love God any less or that HE loves us any less.
Be Authentic. Let the lost people (& saved) see that you experience “dirty” things, but experience them through GOD’s light. Help others to see that even when we love JESUS, even when we read His Word & give out of the measure that has been given unto us – that we still fall. We still get dirty. But also show them that even when we are dirty, we can be lights for Christ. Christ still loves us when we are beaten down & broken.
I may lose some people from my life. That’s scary, but I’m okay with it. People Pleasing isn’t godliness.
Time to live life. Get dirty & let people see me get dirty. I don’t have to be afraid. If I focus on JESUS, they might just see JESUS when they are looking at all my bumbs & scrapes.