Press ‘Pause’, then Press ‘Play’

Life gets hurled at us, as incomprehensible speeds.

Sunday, September 7th, life came hurling at me and left me gasping in its wake. My Grandmother passed away, after too many long years of poor health.

And I pressed Pause.

Having my home immaculately clean no longer mattered. Having my laundry caught up (is there such a thing?) or the number of Facebook friends I had no longer seemed important. My life, and all things I cram into it, stopped.

It’s a sad truth that it oft takes tragedy or loss to shake us awake from the fantasy we walk through in this life. I’m not entirely sure why we are that way. We get caught up in the trivial and neglect the things that truly matter in this life: love, family, gratitude, and friends.

In the week since losing my Grandma, I have found a lot of things I once got so caught up in just have not mattered to me. I have simply abided in the simple by taking each moment as it comes.

Sounds too simple, doesn’t it? My existence for 20 years has been cocooned in all kinds of things that I thought I had to do or had to pretend to be. Anxiety and bouts of deafening depression have curled their talons into every part of me. I have tried to exist in a world of now, yesterday and all of the tomorrows to come.

Pearing at a blue casket sitting on the hill I grew up on screamed out to me: Baby girl, life is so much more than this.

So, I am on pause.

At 36, it is well time that I decide how I want to spend the remainder of my days. At 36, I am overdue for the moment I define what I am and what I will be.

Unrushed. No deadlines. I need this moment Now. Not only to permit myself to grieve for a woman who I loved so much, but to also permit myself to let a lot of other things go. I can’t live my life masquerading as something else and never allowing anyone to get too close.

Pausing is necessary and it is okay.

And the time will come once again to press play, and go. In a different direction, yes. In time.