Complacent Weight

I’m not sure if it is due to the waves of stress and complex schedule. I am not sure if it is due to my age or just the amount of drastic life changes I have undergone over the past two years.

Nevertheless, I have become complacent.

A Year ago, I participated in a walk to health program as part of the local extension office. During that short time, I lost just over 7 lbs. Not bad for a mom of three (two on earth, one in Heaven).

I weighed myself this morning, and looked at a number I have never seen in my life. I am, today, nearly 50 lbs overweight.

But.. how?

The Answer – complacency. I stopped thinking about what I was eating or not eating. I stopped caring how little I exercised. I stopped writing about my struggle online or talking about it in person. I stopped caring.

That isn’t entirely true. I did care. I hate being overweight. I hate the way gaining weight makes me feel more so than the way it makes me look. I hate that I tend to look “pregnant” when I gain weight, which brings that painful question about whether or not I am.

Mostly, the reason I gained it is purely not being responsible.

Bigger issue

Being overweight is a serious enough issue but when add to that my damaged back & other health issues, weight is a very dangerous thing for me.

I know I need to change. I find it so much harder than I did a year ago. A Year isn’t a very long time, really, but I pinpointed three reasons that it is harder today than last summer:

  • Schedule: My Schedule during the time I lost my weight was only for a 36 hour work week. Today, I work 40 hours at my job.
  • Support: When I was doing my walking program, I had three-four friends who encouraged me & held me accountable. Today, I do not have that support group in place.
  • STUFF: I am NOTORIOUS for taking on projects so much bigger than I am & trying to juggle a billion things all at once.

Addressing The Issue 

I need to lose some of this weight. I will never again be the size 10 girl I was “back in the day” This body has carried 3 children, been through two serious car accidents, & isn’t as young as it use to be. I do want to be a healthier weight & living a healthier lifestyle. To do that, I need to:

  • Make time: To Exercise. To eat healthier. To make friends & build a new support group.
  • Make Changes: To my activity levels, to my sleep schedule & overall schedule.
  • Make my Priorities Priority. I can write & saw all day long that certain things are first in my life such as my family or church or health, but until I act in a way that shows that those things are first in my life – I’m just hot air.

So, let’s go get it. Again. This is my second time in a short span that I have said “I’m going on a diet”. But this time – I am committing to write daily. Even when I don’t feel like it. Even when my thoughts are of a big banana split & a fried bologna sandwich. Let’s go get it. My first goal- lose 5 lbs. 

Sinking Deep

Over 150+ calories. I finished logging yesterday’s calories today. I knew when I went to bed yesterday that I was going to bed over & tired & I just really didn’t care at that moment. I lost sight of my goal.

Philippians 3:14 states: “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of GOD in Christ JESUS” (NASB). I had took my eye off the goal. A great basketball player cannot score 30 points in a game if they spend the entire time looking at the newspaper. All goals in this life are object based. In my Christian walk, my eyes must be on Christ. Focused. Nothing else in my way. If my professional life, I must be focused on the task at hand. When I lose that focus at work (or in anything else), I fall. When I lose my focus on Christ, I fall. When I took my eyes off my weight loss yesterday, I fell.

I could blame my fall on so many things, and maybe some of them did attribute to my fall. I know that the ultimate end of the line responsibility rests with me. I put the food in my mouth, fully aware they were not healthy decisions based on many things (it was junk food). I ate the food. There was no miltant figure forcing it down my into my stomach. I chose to do it & I am to blame.

But today is another day. 60% through the day, I am doing well having 67% of my calories left for the day. I have eaten a healthy breakfast & lunch and just may indulge in a healthy snack before the end of my work day.

It has been a good day in other regards, too. The job I interviewed for earlier in the week (the one that left me feeling so defeated) – I was notified today that I will begin training for it this week. My life is changing. A Healthier body – a healthier future professionally.

I know those things are happening by Christ alone. There is nothing of myself that merits those things. I know that I have worked hard in my life – but only because Christ has blessed me with an abled body (even after surving physical therapy just 2 short years ago). I know that Christ has given my mind to learn the things I have about health as well as the things I have learned professionally. I thank GOD for HIS mercy’s on this simple country gal.

Starting Off Fighting Uphill

Yesterday began my second week in the journey to a healthier me. I started my day with a great amount of determination to work very hard this week toward a healthier week. I was glad that I had weighed in less than my starting weight, but I know that my overall health (more than just a temporary # on a scale) also matters.

I began my day with a healthy fruity smoothie. I managed my hunger well throughout the morning, and did well after eating a lower calorie sandwich than I had last week.

The HIll

In the midst of this huge health lifestyle change, I am also working through trying to plant myself into a permanent job. I have a decent job right now, but not one that could benefit me for long. For two weeks now, I have been searching & applying for various jobs that would not only meet my unique situation but also be the best for my family in the long term. I divulge this information due to the fact that I recieved a call yesterday afternoon to schedule an immediate interview.

Gasp.

Every fiber of my body went into “flight or fight” mode. I felt a temptation to eat. I was able to easily fight that off because of my fears of not looking my best (ie, food in teeth) for the interview.

The first part of the interview went very well. I felt confident in my answers to the questions asked but also was able to maintain my ethics. Following the second part of the interview, I felt defeated.

I came home & curled into the big brown chair in my livingroom. I “wanted” to go into my fridge & munch down a large portion of ice cream with fudge. My emotions were mixed and I felt as if I had done something wrong.

So I began to sing. Yip, sing. I found myself singing, “I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free. His eye is on the Sparrow and I know He watches me” (song by Martin & Gabriel) I sang & I didn’t eat junk.

My fight for yesterday was won. I ended my day more than 100 calories under target. I don’t know what today may hold for me, but I do know that God does know. God isn’t just watching me as HE does that Sparrow. I know that His Holy Spirit dwells within me. I know that That Comforter will be with me, good or bad, come what may.

—————-

I’d love to hear from more of my readers. I thank each of you for taking the time to read my blog. If you would, leave me a comment.

How did you face your Hill yesterday?

Walking in the Desert: End of Wk One & Looking Ahead at Wk Two

Give an inch & it will take a mile

I was determined more than ever to do better on Day 4 – & I did. For the first time during my journey, I ended a day Under my goal calories. Better yet, I wasn’t too hungry when I went to bed.

I managed to do so by cutting back on my carbs & increasing my protein a bit. The Carbs burned too quickly & left me feeling hungry. I knew that I needed Carbs, but I also knew that in able to give myself a little better balance of energy required foods that would keep me full longer.

Day 5: Under once again. I even allowed myself to splurge a bit by eating some chili from a local drive-in restaurant.

Day 6: Over 183 Calories. Argh!! I account this overage to giving into my hunger, which is a lack of self-discipline. I lazied around Saturday morning so by the time that I got on the road to run errands, I was incredibly hungry. I could have made various fast food choices that would have been some what healthy, but instead sunk into the comfortability of a fast food chain ham biscuit. Poof- nearly 400 calories gone for something that didn’t stick with me for all to long.

I would eat a nice salad for lunch & enjoy a bottle of water to go with it. ‘C’ & I would pack some veggies & chicken to meander out to a local park to grill some kabobs. Sounds healthy, right? Problem was that we didn’t plan all so well for the grilling of chicken & it took much longer than either of us had planned. By the time we did settle down to enjoy it, I had also consumed chips & guzzled an unhealthy soft drink. I ended the day feeling full, but completely frustrated at myself.

Day 7: One of my errands on Day 6 was to purchase some healthier food options. Sunday began with a delicious but healthy omelet & turkey bacon. I would go to church feeling quite satisfied. After church, ‘C’ & I would have a visit with the parents which meant meal time at their home. ‘C’ hadn’t spoken to the parents about our diet or why we were doing it. I began to wonder if I was forcing this upon him, but I didn’t dwell on the thought for too long. I would make careful selections & mind my portions for the meal.

Sunday evening, ‘C’ & I enjoyed baked chicken together. I cringed as I began to calculate food after food but smiled with a bit of self-pride as I ended the day at under my calorie goal

Week Two: Let’s GO, GO GO!

I’m ready for what week two brings. With an arsenal of healthier meal options in the pantry & a bit more determination than last Monday, I am ready for the challenges that this week will certainly bring. I take a deep breath & step on my scale: Lost 6.6 lbs!

I can do this! Last week was a struggle. It has been such an incredible blessing to get the encouraging messages on here as well of those in my day-to-day life that have encouraged me as well.

I’m ready. I can make smarter choices. I can walk 5 more minutes. I can drink my water, which is a necessity in my success. I can – because Christ is within me. He overcame my sins, & I know that Christ can help me as I overcome the weight (&health) challenges before me.

I’m ready.

The Great Escape: Day 2 & 3

Day 2: Grumbly in my Tumbly

127 Calories Over. Ugh

Why is this so hard?

Laziness.

It has been easy for so long to just eat what I want & not think about how many calories that I am consuming or how much weight that I am gaining. It has been easier to just “live the high life”.

I found that today the hardest part was feeling incredibly hungry.

I had eaten a healthy smoothie for breakfast, but it began to wear off by the time lunch rolled around. I limited to myself to a small lunch of rice which was very filling but since it was a white rice – the carbs soon led to me feeling increasingly hungry.

Dinner rolled around & I found myself in an angry mood. I was flat dab hungry. I had fixed sloppy joes. After eating only one & one meager scoop of veggies, I wanted more to eat because I was still hungry. I looked at my calories including exercise for the day & would find that I could have one more sloppy joe. I didn’t stop there though. I rounded off my hunger by having some hummas & chips. Hummas is fairly healthy…but combined with the salthy (unhealthy) type of corn chips that I had in my pantry, I had to have something to drink. Guzzling down two cups of juice, I found myself 127 calories over my limit.

Yes, I went to bed feeling “full” & I had walked nearly 20 minutes. As I laid my head down, I knew those 100+ calories equalled yet more lbs on the scale & sure failure for that day.

Day 3: Throwing myself under the bus

I awoke to day three not truly being in the mood to go through the torture of dieting another day. But I knew that I had to suck it up – not only to save my own life but because my weight loss partner ‘C’ was depending on me to do well.

I started the day with yet another smoothie, adding more ice to it this time to see if it would stick longer. The ice did help & I managed to be “okay” until 1/2 an hour before lunch. Lunch time came & I ate another portion of rice with a bit of steamed veggies mixed in.

I would have a snack mid afternoon. Before church ‘C’ & I would go to Subway to eat. Subway sandwiches are a great filling meal for me, but not-so-much healthy when I paired it with a fountain lemonade & baked chips. I’d leave church & feel fairly good about my diet for the day.

I would get in 10 minutes of cardio after dinner to add to the 8 minutes walking. I would “think” I was under my calorie goal as I snacked on a small bowl of frozen berries. I would check in my calorie/fitness counter (MyFitnessPal) & find..145 calories Over.

I felt defeated. I knew in my heart of hearts that my dinner beverage choice had played a huge part in that overage. I was losing the battle.

Then I did something stupid & smart: I stepped on my scale again. I rarely weight myself more than once a week, but was bound & determined to see how much damaged my overages in calories were doing to my body. I watched the numbers on the scale bounce up & down to land at 1.5 lbs gained in 3 days time.

I was angry at myself for failing. I was frustrated because I didn’t want to think about being miserably hungry again. I was upset that my diet buddy, ‘C’ was making it look all-to-easy. I was in a terrible rotten no good mood. So I did what I always do when I am in a terrible rotten no good mood: I reached into my secret stash of chocolate & popped another 60 calories into my mouth. I’d go to bed not feeling hungry, but completely defeated.

Lessons Learned:

I know that I must find ways to feel “full” without consuming empty calories. I know that to do that I am going to have to sacrifice some things in my food budget to be able to afford some healthier options.

I also know that I have to be okay with “being hungry”. My body has become a spoiled princess, which doesn’t like to be made to feel uncomfortable. I know that my spoiled princess body is uncomfortable because all it has know is 300-500 calories more a day on the low side. I need to refocus those urges to writing again, praying more, & having others pray for me too.

Thirdly, I need to learn to give myself some mercy. Dave Ramsey says it best by saying, “We need to give ourselves the grace to fall down sometimes”. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I knew that this was going to take time. I knew those things but yet I am angry at myself because those things are true. Endure – that is what I must do.

 

The Great Escape: Day 1

Those who knew me in grade school or high school wouldn’t have called my a “fat kid”. I was always high active plus I had high metabolism to help keep me from becoming pudgy.

Motherhood, however, would take a great toll on me. I would have trouble with pre-term labor when I was expecting my oldest son “D”, so I receieved steroid shots to help his development. I would find myself 50 lbs overweight three months after I gave birth to him. I began to struggle with depression & would soon bubble to nearly 75 lbs overweight.

2 Yrs after my son was born, I decided to “get on board” & joined Weight Watchers. In 8 months, I lost those 70 lbs & was back at my goal weight/healthy weight. One month after reaching my goal weight, I would learn that I was pregnant with baby #2, my youngest son “B”.

I managed to stay at only 20 lbs over my healthy weight after my youngest son was born until he was 5. I had gone through two layoffs with two different companies & found myself without a job. The depression became great. I quickly bubbled up to 30 lbs overweight. & learned – I was pregnant again.

I would miscarry my “Miss D”. My weight would yo-yo from 30 lbs over to 50 lbs over for the year following losing her.

18 months after losing her, I would begin my efforts to lose weight again. I was surprised to find that it came off incredibly fast. In just 6 months, I had lost 30 lbs & was the healthiest I had been since my Weight Watchers days. The quick weight loss should have been a warning sign to me, though, for I would regain and even add to weight in just an eight month window of time.

Today, I sit at close to 35 lbs overweight

June 18th: Wake up, Chick-a-dee

I would start yesterday to log my calorie intake as well as my activity. 289 Calories OVER

Wowsers.

The worst of that was that I went to bed feeling hungry.

All I could think is “What am I doing so wrong?” I had made a healthy choice at breakfast, had strayed 230 calories at lunch & found myself “hungry” after having to say no to myself at dinner.

The problem, really, was two fold: lack of activity & smarter calories. I know that to honor GOD, I must be a useful vessel. I need to be caring for my body both in how I move it & what I put into it.

Going forward

As I trudge through day #2, I know there are two struggles I will fight today: (1) Being Hungry. A LOT (2)Not allowing that hunger to effect my mood. I know that I can fight those things by focusing on God’s Word. One step closer – to escaping this unhealthy lifestyle & truly living my best for GOD’s Glory.