Boarding Call: Saying Some Goodbyes

“After that He {JESUS}¬†went out and noticed a tax collector named Levi sitting in the tax booth, and He said to him, “Follow Me. And he {Levi} left everything behind, and got up and began to follow Him {Jesus}. ” (Luke 5:27-28)

Levi left everything behind, according to Luke 5:27-28, to follow Jesus. Everything. His job. His collegues. His lifestyle. His schedule. His identity. Levi left the stuff behind & simply followed.

All Aboard, The Master Calleth

Jesus isn’t unfamiliar to me. Perhaps for much of my life, HE was all to familiar. My dad was a minister, which meant that the big white leather bound Bible set on our coffee table & we went to church nearly every time the doors were opened. I knew of Gideon, Moses, Joshua, Peter & James. I knew there were 7 golden candlesticks in Revelations, & that Joshua and Caleb were the “good Hebrew spies”. I read the cover off of a pink Leather Bible awarded to me in 1989, & attended more VBS classes than most I knew. I knew, yet I did not know. I knew stuff – I knew what church people were suppose to do… but I did not know what church was really about. What life was really about.¬† Who JESUS really was.

A bit over a year ago, I would come to the hard realization that I was not saved. I was a fraud. A great pretender. I knew things about JESUS, but did not really have a true relationship with Him. I would stop the pride & kneel to pray one Sunday morning.

I’ve tried to fight the recent urges that perhaps JESUS is calling me again. I resisted, “How could I possibly be used”. I couldn’t possibly be used with the past that I have, I thought. Silly, foolish girl.

JESUS wants to use me because of my broken filthy past so that I can help someone who is struggling with that lifestyle now. Who am I to limit the Lord?

I can’t fight His call anymore. No more excuses. It’s time to throw everything down & leave it all behind.

Farewell

I step onboard. It is time now to say goodbye. Goodbye to expectations of others that I have tried so hard to exceed. Goodbye to wishing for all the could-of-been & should-of-been. Goodbye to trying to act 21 when I’m more than 10 years beyond that. Goodbye to been wishy-washy. Goodbye to a life too busy to truly call life.

 

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Discovering My Destination

The Great Travel Agent

I have a Great travel agent. In my life, HE has taken me to over 17 of the States, & numberous Stages of my life. Christ JESUS, my Great Travel Agent, has helped me through many delays, baggage issues, and comforted me through many crashes. I know that He is not only able to guide me during this departure in my life – He is necessary.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

Good Morning, Lord. I thank You for helping me to see things that I was so blind to. I praise You that You are able to focus on the journey before me. Lord, prepare the Way.Amen.

Exiting Complacancy

To know where I am going, it might be wise to know where I am.

Physically, I am located in my home state of KY. That may or may not change in time. Physically, I am also close to the heaviest weight I have ever been in my life. More weight has compromised my ability to walk & has created a plethora of other physical problems.I have been too quick to eat junk that I don’t really enjoy most of the time instead of reaching for the healthier things that I do happen to like. Pure laziness.

“Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,” (I Corinthians 6:19, NLT)

Goal: Be heathier than I currently am in the next 6 months.

Emotionally, I am empty. It’s hard to talk about this part, because society shuns talking about our problems openly. I won’t point fingers at people or circumstances to shovel my blame on. I am empty emotionally because of me. As a survivor of emotional abuse, depression, and divorce, I tend to throw up my walls when anyone gets too close. I have been protective to the point of isolation. Pure selfishness & self-centerdness. How can I reach others when I won’t let others reach me?

Goal: Be more active socially than I currently am in the next 6 months.

Spiritually, I am straining. My heart longs to grow, but I can’t seem to overcome temptation: the temptation to be afraid. This element spiritually goes with the one I listed emotionally. My past henders me. I lived a life where I thought I was being a Christian – but all I was doing was committing religious deeds. In February 2011, I realized that & in March 2011 surrender myself to Christ. The guilt & shame & fear of others judging my past often clog my heart from being blessed. I find myself praying, singing, & reading God’s Word, but being filled with such an overwheleming feeling of “brokenness”.

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (2 Corintians 5:17, NLT)

Goal: Have more faith.

Lord,It’s me again. Thank You, LORD, for illuminating things in Your light. It’s hard for me to know where I am to go if I do not know where I am. I thank You, God, for Your Word. Your Word charts out the things that I need to keep in mind. Lord, I ask You to help me as I step into this pivitoal terminal point of my life. Guide my journey. Teach me what You would have me do, & remove any part of the itternerary that is not of You. Thank You, Lord, for being good in all things all the time. Amen.

Starting the Departure

Knowing it’s Time to Go
I find myself standing still, watching people go by. Everyone is going somewhere. They know where they are going, how they will get there, when they will get there & what it will take to get there. I am staning in the station & I know that I don’t know any of those things.

This station isn’t LAX or ATL. It is a piviotal point in my life.

Knowing it’s time to Leave
I have talked a good talk about how it has been time to begin a new chapter of my life. I have talked it & talked it, but have neglected to do it. My life today isn’t the life I had 5 yrs ago, 15 yrs ago, or 20 yrs ago. I have grown up through the pangs of hurt & failure and love & grace. I can no longer keep trying to live the life of my past simply because it is not who I am anymore. That life doesn’t have room for the life I have yet to live.

Stepping into the station
I remember taking my sister, Tiffany, to the airport for the first time. I watched her check her baggage & waited until I knew she had boarded. But the most unnerving part was the time between. The Departure.

Departure is when have you left where you were but are not yet where you are going.

But Honeychild, where are you going?
I’m not really sure I know how to answer that just yet. I will be spending the next 96 hours praying about & deciding that. It must be a deep honest search that will probably uncover a lot of tears of remorse over the past & the could-a-beens, & lots of laughs over the the things that were.
I stand in the station, watching the people go by. They are all going somewhere. It is time for me to step up & get ready for my own departure.