Weeping in the Garden

Through tears, I look up into the morning sky. I am full aware that I have not just stumbled a bit. I have failed. I have disobeyed GOD.

Realization

It is the Holy Spirit Who convicts us, burns our heart with full awareness that we have done or said something against The Holy and Righteous GOD. And Oh, how my heart burns with that realization.

It isn’t my first time failing HIM. Though I make attempts to serve and obey GOD and do pour myself into HIS Word (but not nearly enough), I fail. I try to do some ordinary thing in my own feeble morality and I find myself in the dung heap.

Confession

I have failed. I won’t go into a lot of details but I have failed by recently disrespecting to people that are Christians. To make it worse, both of them are men of GOD that I look up to.

Disrespect is never okay in any case. But as a Christian, I know better than to treat any of my brother or sisters in Christ Jesus with disrespect. Increase the weight of this flaw in that my disrespect was also toward two men of GOD.

Petition

I have asked both of these men to forgive me. It was a humbling experience, admitting to these two men my wrong doing, admitting my disrespect for them, and asking their forgiveness.

And I have asked and am asking GOD. I do have the weight of what I done to lay upon GOD’s alter of mercy and beg for HIS mercy to remove the filth of what I have done.

Restoration

The confession and request for forgiveness are all well, but they do nothing if my heart and my life do not show true repentance.

I can break a vase, and stand looking down at the shards. I can admit to the vase I broke it and that my breaking of it was wrong. I can even ask the vase to forgive me for breaking it. But I do not display repentance until I take actions.

I’ve decided to spend today meditating on my flaws and asking GOD to help make me a better person. I need to control my words, and carefully weigh out each word before I say it. And in my time of meditation today, I need to kill out any desire (though sometimes hidden) to do anything other than to treat others (particularly my brothers and sisters in Christ JESUS) with anything other than respect.

So I am in the Garden weeping, knowing I have denied my Savior three times – like Peter.

 

 

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Discovering My Destination

The Great Travel Agent

I have a Great travel agent. In my life, HE has taken me to over 17 of the States, & numberous Stages of my life. Christ JESUS, my Great Travel Agent, has helped me through many delays, baggage issues, and comforted me through many crashes. I know that He is not only able to guide me during this departure in my life – He is necessary.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

Good Morning, Lord. I thank You for helping me to see things that I was so blind to. I praise You that You are able to focus on the journey before me. Lord, prepare the Way.Amen.

Exiting Complacancy

To know where I am going, it might be wise to know where I am.

Physically, I am located in my home state of KY. That may or may not change in time. Physically, I am also close to the heaviest weight I have ever been in my life. More weight has compromised my ability to walk & has created a plethora of other physical problems.I have been too quick to eat junk that I don’t really enjoy most of the time instead of reaching for the healthier things that I do happen to like. Pure laziness.

“Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,” (I Corinthians 6:19, NLT)

Goal: Be heathier than I currently am in the next 6 months.

Emotionally, I am empty. It’s hard to talk about this part, because society shuns talking about our problems openly. I won’t point fingers at people or circumstances to shovel my blame on. I am empty emotionally because of me. As a survivor of emotional abuse, depression, and divorce, I tend to throw up my walls when anyone gets too close. I have been protective to the point of isolation. Pure selfishness & self-centerdness. How can I reach others when I won’t let others reach me?

Goal: Be more active socially than I currently am in the next 6 months.

Spiritually, I am straining. My heart longs to grow, but I can’t seem to overcome temptation: the temptation to be afraid. This element spiritually goes with the one I listed emotionally. My past henders me. I lived a life where I thought I was being a Christian – but all I was doing was committing religious deeds. In February 2011, I realized that & in March 2011 surrender myself to Christ. The guilt & shame & fear of others judging my past often clog my heart from being blessed. I find myself praying, singing, & reading God’s Word, but being filled with such an overwheleming feeling of “brokenness”.

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (2 Corintians 5:17, NLT)

Goal: Have more faith.

Lord,It’s me again. Thank You, LORD, for illuminating things in Your light. It’s hard for me to know where I am to go if I do not know where I am. I thank You, God, for Your Word. Your Word charts out the things that I need to keep in mind. Lord, I ask You to help me as I step into this pivitoal terminal point of my life. Guide my journey. Teach me what You would have me do, & remove any part of the itternerary that is not of You. Thank You, Lord, for being good in all things all the time. Amen.