Weeping in the Garden

Through tears, I look up into the morning sky. I am full aware that I have not just stumbled a bit. I have failed. I have disobeyed GOD.


It is the Holy Spirit Who convicts us, burns our heart with full awareness that we have done or said something against The Holy and Righteous GOD. And Oh, how my heart burns with that realization.

It isn’t my first time failing HIM. Though I make attempts to serve and obey GOD and do pour myself into HIS Word (but not nearly enough), I fail. I try to do some ordinary thing in my own feeble morality and I find myself in the dung heap.


I have failed. I won’t go into a lot of details but I have failed by recently disrespecting to people that are Christians. To make it worse, both of them are men of GOD that I look up to.

Disrespect is never okay in any case. But as a Christian, I know better than to treat any of my brother or sisters in Christ Jesus with disrespect. Increase the weight of this flaw in that my disrespect was also toward two men of GOD.


I have asked both of these men to forgive me. It was a humbling experience, admitting to these two men my wrong doing, admitting my disrespect for them, and asking their forgiveness.

And I have asked and am asking GOD. I do have the weight of what I done to lay upon GOD’s alter of mercy and beg for HIS mercy to remove the filth of what I have done.


The confession and request for forgiveness are all well, but they do nothing if my heart and my life do not show true repentance.

I can break a vase, and stand looking down at the shards. I can admit to the vase I broke it and that my breaking of it was wrong. I can even ask the vase to forgive me for breaking it. But I do not display repentance until I take actions.

I’ve decided to spend today meditating on my flaws and asking GOD to help make me a better person. I need to control my words, and carefully weigh out each word before I say it. And in my time of meditation today, I need to kill out any desire (though sometimes hidden) to do anything other than to treat others (particularly my brothers and sisters in Christ JESUS) with anything other than respect.

So I am in the Garden weeping, knowing I have denied my Savior three times – like Peter.



Smug to Sin

Many of us who have surrendered themselves to the LORDship and salvation of the LORD JESUS Christ have become smug/complacent to our sins. We (I include myself here) have become to comfortable in the fact that we have an eternal, incorruptible salvation. Because of this comfortableness/smugness, we don’t tend to deal with our sins as we should, or we treat them as normalacies.  The Smugness MUST end.

Why is this a big issue?

As Followers of CHRIST JESUS, we are servants to a HOLY and Righteous GOD (Leviticus 20:26). We must serve HIM with clean hearts (Psalm 24:4). Because we know from the Word of GOD that HE is a HOLY GOD, HE cannot be in the midst of filth. Do we desire to be close to the LORD or to be separated from HIS presence in our lives because of the iniquities of our sins?

Just a little …

Why is it of importance to deal with the little sins in our lives? We know that everyone sins, and that living a sinless life is impossible. Although these statements are true, they do not take into account the effects of sin. Sin is like yeast. In Galatians 5:9, we are told that just a tiny amount of leaven effects the whole loaf. “That makes sense,” you may think, “But what does that have to do with sin?”. The Jews of JESUS’ time would have understood the seriousness of this statement. In preparation for the feast of Unleavened Bread, they were to throw out all yeast (called leaven in the KJV translation) (See Exodus 12:15). If just a tiny bit was left lying around or somehow got into their dough, any bread baked during that time would show this. Sin, in likeness, shows up in our lives. We can try to cover it, disguise it or ignore it, but the results of the sin show up. The longer the sin festers, like yeast proofing, the more it will permeate your life.

Don’t Be Fooled

Don’t fool yourself. It may seem that your tiny sins have no effect on your life (and they do). It may seem okay to brush off tiny wrongs (and it’s not). GOD’s WORD is true and will always be true: “..be sure your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23b)

Out of the Dust

We are birthed to be dreamers. We play Princess and Pirate. We climb trees and crawl under fences. As children, the realm of what we could be someday seems borderless.

As we grow, someone or something shakes us from our sleep. Things tell us that we can’t overcome this or that we will never have that. Someone tells us that YOU CAN’T. Our dreams crumble, falling into ruts of complacency.

Or Perhaps, the waking happened to you as it did me. The Dream shone bright about you one day and the next, it is gone. All the normal unravels and the tangle remaining doesn’t resemble what we had before. 

I grabbed the dream and smashed it against the wall. The shards still embedded, I wander why I was so irresponsible. I also know that the why is irrelevant: what was is not.

Over the course of the last 4 years, I have hobbled around on those embedded dream shards and feeling more self-despise than is probably healthy. Days & weeks have trickled by. I have lived defined by my shatter moment. 

I prayed. Yes, How I prayed. I dipped my wounds into God’s Word, and yet remained wounded. I watched as Faith healed others as I limped along.

And Yes, I repented. O’re and O’re. I have worn alters bare with my pleads for forgiveness. 

In all my efforts and all my hobbling, there is one thing I haven’t done yet. let go.

How had I missed that? Nearly 1500 days of coping with the pain and I hadn’t done the easiest step of letting go.

The exit sign flickered on for me this week. The song, Beautiful Things, by Gungor was playing. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1spkhp41ig4). “You make Beautiful Things out of Dust”, the lyrics read.

Dust is a curious thing. We don’t give much thought to it, most days. Most days, it is the gray stuff behind our couch or laced on our ceiling fan. But get this- dust is alive. 

Look it up, google it, or youtube it. Dust is full of little things called Mites. In what seems worthless is life.

It won’t be easy as I remove the fragments of what was. Pain will surely come, but after that will begin healing. In my healing, I can  begin to gather the shiny remains and toss them. I’ll wipe off the shelf, smiling at the dust mites, and begin place new dreams. The simple fact that I ruined the before doesn’t mean I can’t have something just as beautiful or perhaps, even more amazing than what I had before. 

So, here I go. It’s time.